Bruce Penton
Sports Writer
• Blogger Eric Stangel, after the Yankees signed pitcher Gerrit Cole for $324 million over nine seasons: “The Yankees also announced that beer at the stadium will now cost $734.”
• Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times: “This is the Year of the Pig, according to the Chinese calendar, though one could argue that Russian doping and the can-banging Astros make it seem like the Year of the Cheetah.”
• Comedy writer Jim Barach, after a Patriots video crew violated league policy while taping at the Browns-Bengals game: “They say they weren’t spying, they were just putting together a blooper reel for the NFL Christmas party.”
• RJ Currie of sportsdeke.com: “Police in China have used an unusual method to try to slow down speeders — cardboard cutouts of squad cars. They were inspired by the Cincinnati Bengals defence.”
• Headline at Fark.com: “Rendon joins the Angels, but in the good way.”
• Greg Cote of the Miami Herald, on Twitter: “Halftime security alert from the Capital One Orange Bowl: When leaving tonight’s game and headed to your car, if you hear someone say, ‘What’s in your wallet?’ — chances are you are being robbed.”
• Tottenham coach Jose Mourinho, to reporters, after getting booked by referee Mike Dean during a 1-0 loss to Southampton: “I clearly deserved the yellow card, as I was rude. But I was rude to an idiot.”
• Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: “Iran launched 20 long-range missiles at two U.S. bases but did not hit any key targets. We’re calling it Operation New York Knicks.”
• Janice Hough, from leftcoastsportsbabe.com: “Possible 2020 slogan for Baltimore Orioles — ‘We’ve been so bad, you KNOW we’re not cheating’.”
• Headline in the Houston Chronicle: “Caught stealing.”
• Jim Barach again, after Tusk IV, the Arkansas Razorbacks’ former live mascot, died at age 10: “The autopsy report came back as ‘delicious.’ ”
• Another one from Barach: “The identity of the Hall of Fame voter who snubbed Derek Jeter may never be known. Although it can be narrowed down by finding out who had the ballots that were cast in Boston.”
• Vancouver’s Torben Rolfsen (Twitter: @vanguy), on the NFL draft planned (pre-COVID-19) for Vegas, with the stage set in the middle of the Bellagio fountain and the players being ferried to the stage by boat: “The Detroit Lions war room can be decorated in a Titanic theme.”
• Jim Barach again, on why 70-year-old manager Dusty Baker appealed to the Astros: “At his age he is too old to know how to work any electronic equipment newer than a VCR.”
• Comedy writer Brad Dickson, on Twitter, as the Super Bowl game ended: “Now comes the hard part — carrying Andy Reid off the field.”
• Mike Bianchi of the Orlando Sentinel, on speculation Tom Brady could sign with Tampa Bay: “Not to be mean, but putting Tom Brady on the Bucs would be like putting the Mona Lisa in Room 217 of the Red Roof Inn.”
• Michael Rosenberg in Sports Illustrated, reviewing sports over the past decade: “The 2010s were a wild decade in sports — nobody knew what was coming, except the Astros.”
• Brad Dickson again: “This is Week Two of the XFL. Who could have even imagined that the league would last this long?”
• Greg Cote again, on NASCAR’s Dixie Vodka 400 at Homestead. “Hmm. Should a bunch of guys driving 180 mph in heavy traffic be sponsored by vodka?”
• Kent Somers of the Arizona Republic, on Cardinals’ coach Kliff Kingsbury spending $4.5 million on a home in Phoenix after moving from Lubbock, Texas, where he coached Texas Tech: “For $4.5 million in Lubbock, you can buy Lubbock.”
• NOT SportsCentre, on Twitter: “BREAKING: The NFL has announced it is cancelling the Detroit Lions. Roger Goodell: ‘It’s nothing virus related, we just felt it was a good opportunity to put them out of their misery.’”
• Jim Barach again: “The NBA has suspended its season because of coronavirus. This would really be a bad time to bring back the old slogan ‘NBA fever...catch it!’”
• Golfer Shane Lowry, on the 2020 Open Championship (from golf.com): “I guess if they do call off the Open, I will get to be Open champion for two years and I will have to go celebrating again.”
• From various Twitter sources: “Day 2 without sports. Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.”
• From @GaBoy_Shockley on Twitter: “Day 6 no sports. Watching birds fight over worms. Cardinals lead the Blue Jays 3-1.”
• Dickson again: “Right now my thoughts are with the elderly. But enough about Tom Brady leaving New England.”
• George Fox assistant professor John Spencer, via Twitter, advocating for 10-foot social distancing: ”If you’re wondering how far that is, picture a Bears wide receiver and then imagine where (Mitchell) Trubisky actually threw the pass.”
• Headline at TheOnion.com: “Quarantined umpire cleans his entire home with tiny brush.”
• Texas pro Mancil Davis, who has 51 career holes-in-one but has gaps in other parts of his game, especially off the tee: “I hit my irons like Doug Sanders, and my driver like Colonel Sanders.”
• Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle, on NFL commissioner Roger Goodell conducting the draft from his basement: “This might be the first draft at which the commissioner’s podium will feature drying laundry.”
• From fark.com: “The 2020 Western Hockey League draft reveals positives and negatives. The positive: The virus of Brayden has passed its peak. The negative: It has mutated into variations of Hayden, Aiden, Kaden, Jayden, Grayden and (deep breath) Teydon.”
• Dwight Perry again: “The Miami Dolphins just paired a new jersey number with their touted rookie QB, and let’s just say Lawrence Welk fans couldn’t be happier. It’s a 1 and a Tua.”
• Another one from RJ Currie: “A Chinese man reportedly invented a car that can run on wind. A tentative name was Feng Chezi, which roughly translates to Don Cherry.”
• Alex Kaseberg again, on Twitter: “Red Sox star Mookie Betts is related to the Duchess of Sussex, Meghan Markle. Please, please tell me that makes him Duke Mookie.”
• Shannon Szabados on Twitter: “Happy the NHL will be back, but without fans how do we expect players to know when to shoot the puck? How will opposing goalies know they suck?”
• Great line from Dwight Perry: “This year’s John Deere Classic, scheduled for July 9-12, has been cancelled due to the coronavirus pandemic. In lieu of a news release, the PGA Tour announced the breakup in a John Deere letter.”
• RJ Currie again: “The PGA cancelled the July, 2020, John Deere Classic due to the coronavirus pandemic. Yes, Dear — No Deere.”
• Greg Cote again: “A bat used by Lou Gehrig sold for $1 million. There is only one baseball bat in the world worth $1 million. It’s the one with a cheque for $999,000 taped to the barrel.”
• Dave Spect, via Facebook, after the girlfriend of Yankees outfielder Aaron Judge asked officers ‘Do you know who my boyfriend is?’ when she was arrested for DUI: “Soon she’ll know two judges.”
• Former Leaguer C.J. Nitkowski, on Twitter: “My wife had an odd way of comforting my son after a rough pitching outing yesterday. ‘Well, at least you still get to live in our house. When Dad pitched bad, we usually had to move.’”
• Bob Molinaro of pilotonline.com (Hampton, Va.): “Social distancing will not interrupt the gluttony and star-spangled grossness of Nathan’s July 4th Hot Dog Eating Contest. Contestants will be at least six foot-longs apart as they set out to determine who will be this year’s wiener.”
• RJ Currie of sportsdeke.com: “Reuters reports a British man spent five years building a high-performance vehicle from scratch, despite being blind. So what’s the NY Knicks’ excuse?”
• Public-service tweet from Ottawa Public Health: “We admit, sometimes wearing a mask in public isn’t the most fashionable or comfortable choice. But some people wear Leafs jerseys, so yeah. Just saying.”
• Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times: “Sheila Ford Hamp, 69, has replaced her mother, 94-year-old Martha Firestone Ford, as Detroit Lions owner and chairperson. In other words, the Lions traded in their 1925 Ford for a 1951 model.”
• Patti Dawn Swansson, aka the River City Renegade, on attempts by major league sports to resume playing: “I’m more excited to see toilet paper back on the shelves than shinny on the ice, hoops on the hardwood and rounders in the ballyard.”
• Headline in TheOnion.com: “Washington Redskins Change Their Name To The D.C. Redskins”
• Headline at abcnews.com: “(Redskins owner) Daniel Snyder realizes he really likes money and will look into changing his team’s name.”
Jack Finarelli of SportsCurmudgeon.com, on QB Bobby Layne putting a curse on the Lions when they traded him following their 1957 title season, vowing they wouldn’t win another one for 50 years: “He underestimated the ineptitude of the franchise.”
Comedy writer Brad Dickson of Omaha, on Nebraska Cornhusker football fans: “There’s something seriously wrong with people who will wear a rubber corncob head on their noggin but won’t be seen in public in a Covid mask.”
Baseball writer Buster Olney of ESPN, on Dr. Anthony Fauci’s wild ceremonial first pitch to start the MLB season: “A socially distant first pitch.”
Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: “Effective immediately, Washington will call itself the Washington Football Team. Apparently the name ‘We Can’t Think of Anything Else’ was already taken.”
•Sean McIndoe, in the Athletic, surmising how a decision may have been made about how the Columbus Blue Jackets were named: “As if a toddler was asked to name a team based on the first thing he saw on the floor in his front hallway.”
•RJ Currie of sportsdeke.com: “The Jays released left-handed reliever Marc Rzepczynski. He was hampered by a high pitch count and a low vowel count.”
• From the Seattle Kraken Twitter feed: “Fun fact: We are the only team that Connor McDavid has not scored against.”
• Craig Calcaterra of NBCsports.com, via Twitter, on Nationals catcher Tres Barrera’s 80-game suspension for testing positive for Dehydrochlormethyltestosterone: “If he can spell it on the first try, they should reduce his suspension to 40 games.”
• Tim Hunter of Everett’s KRKO Radio, on other COVID-19 victims, Big Ten and Pac-12 football: “I’m waiting for the leaves to announce they’re not turning colour this year.”
• Another one from Alex Kaseberg: “The city of Los Angeles is going to name a street after Kobe Bryant. It will be like any other street except you are not allowed to pass on it.”
• Comedy writer Brad Dickson of Omaha: “On the news tonight all they talked about were boycotts, protests, riots, violence, dissension, disease, lawsuits and court cases. And that was just the sportscast.”
Patti Dawn Swansson again, after Saskatchewan premier Scott Moe declared Sept. 6 to be Roughriders’ Day across the province and for everyone to wear green and white: “A melonhead needs urging to wear green and white like a priest needs a reminder to say prayers on Sunday.”
Headline in the New York Daily News: “Normalcy in 2020 at last ... Jets remain Jets!”
• Sign of the times, from Dwight Perry: “Banner towed behind an airplane above Dodger Stadium when Houston paid a recent visit: “Hey, Astr*s, try stealing this sign!”
Joel Beall of GolfWorld, on Matthew Wolff shooting a third-round 65 at Winged Foot during the third round of the U.S.Open. “He did so hitting from spots requiring a compass rather than a yardage book, needing a weedwacker instead of a wedge.”
• Brad Dickson again: “In Nebraska high school football Franklin defeated Elba by a score of 60-6. The Elba coach said his players could’ve come back from such a deficit if only they were playing the Atlanta Falcons.”
• Boxer Gerald Meerschaert, who lost his last fight in 17 seconds, on Twitter while watching the Trump-Biden debate: “I wish this debate lasted as long as my last fight.”
• Dwight Perry again: “The Yankees — for the first time in their 120-year history — hit into five double plays and committed four errors in the same game in a 4-3, 10-inning loss to the Marlins. Or as the 1962 Mets used to call such an occurrence, Friday.”
• RJ Currie of sportsdeke.com: “The Nebraska State Fair broke a record for the longest parade of old tractors when over 1,100 showed up. In Canada, that’s just part of the last-minute Labour Day crowd at Mosaic Stadium.”
• Patti Dawn Swansson again: “I think (Jets’ Blake) Wheeler is still a useful player, but a year from now he’ll be slower than a sports writer reaching for the bar tab.”
• Reader Steven S., responding to Sean McIndoe’s TheAthletic.com story on the 1977 NHL draft, where it was pointed out Larry Robinson’s brother Moe was drafted by the Habs in the third round: “I think the big question is who drafted Curly Robinson?” Reader Tim M. countered with: “I could have sworn he played for the Canyuk-nyuk-nyuks.”
@rslashpatriots, via Twitter: “The Jets are 750:1 to win the Super Bowl, meaning if you bet $100 on it, you would lose $100.”
• Steve Simmons of the Toronto Sun: “Leafs have signed Joe Thornton. They’re aiming to win the 2012 Stanley Cup.”
Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times: “Provincial authorities have told the Ontario Hockey League that if it wants to play amid a pandemic this season that it will have to ban bodychecking and fighting. In a related story, Don Cherry’s head just exploded.”
• Michael Farber of si.com, on Twitter: “Watching a parade from the bullpen early in a 1-0 World Series game is as entertaining as watching Bryson DeChambeau check his notes.”
• Another one from Alex Kaseberg: “Federal agents are questioning USC football players in connection to a fraud investigation. And the penalties could be stiff. Some of the players may be forced to attend classes.”
Fark.com: “Jimmy Kimmel to Clayton Kershaw and Cody Bellinger: ‘Was it easier to win the World Series when the other team wasn’t cheating?’”
• Conor Russell, head pro at Portmarnock in Ireland, on public opposition to the government declaring a six-week ban on golf to help fight COVID-19: .”At end-of-day (petitions) could be as useful as an ashtray on a motorbike.”
• Alex Kaseberg again: “The New York Jets are going to follow Donald Trump’s lead and are going to sue all 16 teams that beat them.”
• Headline at @NotSportsCenter: “Report: Trevor Lawrence says his doctors have told him he’ll be cleared from COVID to play football again as soon as the Jets draft another QB.”
• Steve Simmons of the Toronto Sun: “History and irony: The mayor of Montreal is calling for all the citizens to wear masks. Her name is Plante.”
• Patriots QB Cam Newton, to reporters, on his dietary habits: “Just because I’m vegan doesn’t mean I just go outside and pick up grass and, you know, put ranch on it. … I still love good food.”
• Charles Barkley, on trying hypnotism to help correct his funky, hitchy golf swing: “All I got was a good nap. I woke up with the same crappy swing.”
Sign in front of a church in Winnipeg: “Wear a mask. It’s not like we’re asking you to wear a Riders’ jersey.”
• Saints coach Sean Payton, after his team’s 31-3 win over hometown Denver Broncos, who played the NFL game without a legitimate quarterback, thanks to COVID-19: “I felt bad for the cardboard fans.”
Care to comment? Email brucepenton2003@yahoo.ca
- Bruce Penton
Disclaimer: opinions expressed are those of the writer.