- English pro golfer Eddie Pepperell, on Twitter, prior to a December tournament in Dubai: “I’m trialing a 48-inch driver this week so if you’re the owner of any property at Jumeirah, board it up.”
- Gary Bachman, via Facebook, after Anthony Davis spent part of the Lakers’ final preseason game trimming his toenails on the bench: “Perhaps he should be traded to the Clippers.”
- The late Ed Chynoweth, president of the Western Hockey League, musing about resigning in the 1970s, as detailed in Gregg Drinnan’s excellent history of the WHL “It is starting to bother me that all my friends in Saskatoon are going to the airport to take flights out for winter holidays. I go to the airport and fly to Flin Flon.”
- ESPN broadcaster Dave Pasch, to NBCsports.com, on calling college-football games remotely from home because of COVID-19 restrictions: “At least I don’t have to wait in line for the bathroom at halftime.”
- Patti Dawn Swansson, aka the River City Renegade: “It’s going to be weird seeing Zdeno Chara in Washington Capitals garb this winter. It’ll be kind of like Pope Francis holding mass in Wrangler jeans, Tony Lama snake skin boots and a Stetson instead of his robe and pointy hat.”
- Jack Finarelli of SportsCurmudgeon.com, on rumours the moribund Lions might be looking to trade QB Matthew Stafford: “I do not know if (Detroit) fans should be thrilled about that or not, but I think Matthew Stafford should be elated.”
- Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: “The Tampa Bay-New Orleans playoff game featured quarterbacks Tom Brady and Drew Brees, aged 43 and 42 respectively. You (could have placed) a bet in Las Vegas on which one is the first one to walk into the huddle and say, ‘Now why did I come in here?’
- RJ Currie of sportsdeke.com: “A spicy peanut butter six times hotter than the strongest chili was being sold in England under the label Instant Regret. No, wait — that may be the name of a new Jacksonville Jaguars season ticket package.”
- Kaseberg again: “O.J. Simpson just posted a video of him getting the COVID-19 vaccination. Apparently priority is given to double-murderers over the age of 72.”
- Another one from Patti Dawn Swansson, on the person who took a post-fight swing at Mike Tyson while the former champ was signing autographs following his recent fight with Roy Jones Jr. : “No arrests have been made, but police are searching for a man who’s lost his mind.”
- Jay Busbee of Yahoo Sports, on the scrambling required by the two Super Bowl quarterbacks: (Patrick) Mahomes was running for his life, while (Tom) Brady had time to make himself a sandwich.”
- Kaseberg again: “Not to say Tom Brady is getting up there, but when they asked, ‘Tom Brady, you just won the Super Bowl. Where are you going now?’ Brady said, ‘Leave me alone, Jeopardy is on.’”
- RJ Currie again: “An ESPN talking head called one of Rob Gronkowski’s nightclub partying videos, ‘Just a man living the American dream.’ Which in Gronk’s case appears to be life, liberty and the pursuit of happy hour.”
- Swansson again, on Mike Babcock returning to his roots by agreeing to be head coach of the University of Saskatchewan Huskies: “How fitting that an old-school coach would return to his old school.”
- Bucs QB Tom Brady, 43, when chubby 42-year-old CBS ‘Late Late Show’ host James Corden asked if Corden could be drafted into the NFL: “You might be able to play for the Jets.”
- Bruce Arthur of the Toronto Star, on Twitter: “Curling observation: Kevin Koe, whether winning or losing, often looks like he’s wondering if he left the stove on.”
- Comedian Argus Hamilton, via Facebook, on the Rover’s search for water on Mars: “They should’ve sent me there with my golf clubs. I’d have found water by my third tee shot.”
- Currie again: “A brawl reportedly broke out at a New Hampshire retirement centre during a bingo game. It looked like a hockey fight, except with more teeth.”
- Posted on the Lethbridge Hurricanes’ scoreboard during a fan-less hockey game: “Free beer for all in attendance.”
- Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times: “Gov. Greg Abbott has lifted all COVID-19 restrictions in the Lone Star State, meaning the Texas Rangers’ home opener might be a sellout. The rules there are now so lenient that even catcher’s masks aren’t mandatory.”
- Headline at Fark.com: “NFL owners approve increased profits for NFL owners.”
- Patti Dawn Swansson again, on squeaky-clean Edmonton Oilers star Connor McDavid getting fined $5,000 for elbowing an opponent in the face: “I couldn’t have been more surprised had I found a copy of ‘Sinatra: The Rapper Years’ at my local vinyl store.”
- Doug Robinson of Salt Lake City’s Deseret News, not looking forward to Zach Wilson’s possible NFL-draft destiny: “The Jets are to quarterbacks what Larry King was to marriage.”
- Steve Simmons of SunMedia, on the apparent grumpiness of a certain NHLer: “If Jeff Carter walks into a restaurant in Pittsburgh late in the afternoon do they cancel happy hour?”
- Another one from RJ Currie: “MLB hired former WWE ‘sizzle planner’ Brian Stedman for league strategy and development. Soon, instead of a manager sitting a pitcher down, he’ll come out and hit him with a chair.”
- Young fan’s sign at a Cubs game: “Shhhhhh! I’m remote learning.”
- Janice Hough of leftcoastsportsbabe.com, on CDC guidelines now saying people can be outside without a mask if they’re not in a crowd: “So Marlins fans should be fine.”
- Ryan French, who runs the Monday Q Info Twitter feed, on Monday qualifying for a PGA Tour event: “It’s like going in a free-throw contest to play for the Lakers.”
- One more from Swansson: “You’ve heard of the Gordie Howe hat trick, we now have the Phil Kessel hat trick: 900 points, 900 consecutive games, 900 hot dogs.”
- Jack Finarelli again, on proposals to allow even more instant-replay reviews in college basketball: “We need this as much as Olympic swimming events need lifeguards.”
- Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle, on Colin Kaepernick still unable to find employment in the NFL: “Good lord. Spouse-beaters, serial druggies, team cancers, dog killers — all are welcome in the NFL! But if you quietly take a knee, God will wreak vengeance on your team!”
- Alex Kaseberg again: “MLB has had six no-hitters already. Normally they only have two no-hitters a year and sometimes none. Who would have guessed a symptom of COVID-19 would be batters hitting like one of the Kardashian sisters?”
- Another one from Steve Simmons, on double threat Shohei Ohtani of baseball’s Los Angeles Angels: “In simpler Toronto terms, he is Vladimir Guerrero Jr. and Hyun-jin Ryu all in one person.”
- Dwight Perry again: “Browns running back Nick Chubb will soon have his own breakfast cereal, called ‘Chubb Crunch.’ Some other possibilities: Ricky Williams: Weedies; Sidney Crosby: ForeChex; Philadelphia fans: Jeerios.”
- Headline at fark.com: “Minnesota catcher needed surgery after a foul tip into the Twins.”
- Alex Meyers of Golf Digest, on Jon Rahm being told greenside that he had tested positive for COVID-19 and was out of the Memorial tournament: “The leader in the clubhouse was no longer even welcome in the clubhouse.”
- Mike Whan, incoming USGA executive director, who is a fan of the use of range finders in the pro game: “There is nothing worse on TV than watching a golfer and caddie do arithmetic.”
- Patti Dawn Swansson, on Twitter: “Toronto Blue Jays manager Charlie Montoyo calling to the bullpen for help is like relying on Tiger Woods for emergency roadside assistance.”
- Headline at theonion.com: “Bob Baffert Once Again Denies Doping Allegations After Medina Spirit Wins Coca-Cola 600.”
- Some wiseguy on Twitter, while the eight-hole Travelers golf playoff was ongoing: “How many holes does a PGA Tour playoff go before a windmill is involved?”
- RJ Currie of sportsdeke.com: “Hayley Wickenheiser said the University of Calgary helped her get a degree by planning exams around her hockey schedule. In response, NCAA athletes said, ‘Exams?’”
- Jack Finarelli at sportscurmudgeon.com, on Nathans’s Fourth of July hotdog eating contest: “At exactly what point did gluttony cease to be one of the seven deadly sins and become a sport?”
- Broadcaster and former PGA tour player Colt Knost, after Collin Morikawa won the Open Championship, taking the Claret Jug away from 2019 winner, Irishman Shane Lowry: “I think the Claret Jug will get a lot more sleep this year.”
- Comedy writer Brad Dickson of Omaha: “The Cleveland Indians have dropped ‘Indians’ to improve their image. Good start. Now they just need to drop ‘Cleveland.’”
- Norman Chad, on Twitter: “With the USA losing to France in Olympic men’s basketball — due to an overlooked clause in the 1886 transaction between the two nations — the USA must now return the Statue of Liberty.”
- Phil Mickelson, on Twitter, after Tour player Harry Higgs begged for a Tuesday practice round with him, during which some gambling dough will be at stake: “This will save me a trip to the ATM . . . thank you.”
- Pre-round trash talk from golfer Phil Mickelson, prior to a practice round with journeymen Harry Higgs and Keith Mitchell, saying he’d be using a ball with a logo of himself on it: “It’s from when I won the Masters. What are you guys using?”
- Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: “Damian Warner set an Olympic record 9,018 points to be the first Canadian winner of Olympic Decathlon. Being Canadian, Warner spent his time during the medal ceremony apologizing to the silver and bronze winners for beating them.”
- Kaseberg again: “In Tokyo, Bruce Springsteen’s daughter, Jessica, did not make the Olympic equestrian jumping finals. It turns out, when it came to jumping, Jessica’s horse was born to run.”
- Phil Mushnick of the New York Post: “How I know I’ve recovered from a head injury: 1) short-term memory has returned, 2) long-term memory has returned, 3) short-term memory has returned.”
- Comedy guy Torben Rolfsen of Vancouver, on potential new homes for Arizona Coyotes: “Quebec City was mentioned as a possibility, but Commissioner Gary Bettman’s office said the NHL is still at least a decade away from European expansion.”
- Dylan Dethier of golf.com, on how to handle the pressure of an 18th-hole putt for 59: “My approach is to stay far, far away from putts for 59 to avoid the potential embarrassment of missing them.”
- Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle, on baseball’s new extra-inning rule: “They should start every half inning with bases loaded. And all three runners blindfolded.”
- Jeff Patterson on Twitter, showing off his fandom for tennis star Leylah Fernandez: “If Leylah-Annie wins this thing, I’m naming my daughter after her. And my daughter is 18. She’ll just have to deal with the change…”
- RJ Currie again: “According to Reuters, an Australian pig once drank 18 cans of beer, got into a fight with a cow before eventually passing out. It was made the official mascot of the NHL.”
- Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times: “Prince Philip’s will will be sealed for at least 90 years to protect the ‘dignity’ of Queen Elizabeth II and the royal family, a London judge has ruled. ‘Can we do that with our 2021 season?’ asked the Baltimore Orioles.”
- Kaseberg again: “After scoring a touchdown, Green Bay Packer Aaron Jones lost a small football necklace charm that contained his father’s ashes. A team trainer searched until 2 a.m. and found it. ‘See, that’s why we don’t score touchdowns, you can lose stuff,’ said the New York Jets.”
- Roberto Castro, on Twitter: “If you wake up today and your job feels impossible, just remember there is a team of people selling Jacksonville Jaguars tickets, suites, and hospitality packages.”
- Another one from Norman Chad, on Twitter: “Texans QB Davis Mills, at the half, is 1 of 7, 3 yards, 2 INT. He has a passer rating of 0.0, last achieved by Napoleon when he invaded Russia.”
- Currie again: “Three signs your NFL squad is having a bad season: 3. Mom sells her season tickets — before your first game; 2. Fans petition the Commissioner to play all home games in London; 1. The gift shop’s bags come with eyeholes.”
- Chad again: “Week 6 NFL pick: Jaguars (+3.5) vs. Dolphins, in London. More than 245 years after the revolution, we are still punishing the Brits by sending them bad NFL games.”
- Montreal sportswriter Michael Farber, on Twitter: “ Although it’s only October, @CanadiensMTL seem to be in midseason form. Unfortunately, it’s the midseason of the 1974-75 @Capitals”
- Headline at theonion.com: “New York City Reinstates Full Lockdown After Disturbing Reports That Knicks May Resume Play
- Another one from Perry: “Bears TE Jimmy Graham has been placed on the reserve/COVID-19 list. If he has the virus, it’ll be just the second time he’s caught something this season.”
- Patti Dawn Swansson again, on Twitter: “A pair of sneakers Michael Jordan wore way back in 1984 sold at auction for $1.472 million. Apparently it was $1,471,990 for the shoes and $10 for a box of Odor-Eaters.”
- Sportswriter Chris Burke of The Athletic: “The bye week opens as a 13.5-point favourite over the Lions.”
- Glenn Howard’s daughter Carly, on Twitter: “Can’t decide if I’m more impressed that my dad is still curling at the top of his game or that he has yet to use his broom for balance.”
- Another one from Dwight Perry: “The Seahawks’ Russell Wilson (broken finger) and the Packers’ Aaron Rodgers (unvaccinated arm) will face off Nov. 14 in Green Bay — maybe. Just call it the Pins and Needles Bowl.”
- Alex Kaseberg again: “Aaron Rodgers is listed as having a toe injury. After all the ivermectin he has taken, I am just glad it is not hoof and mouth disease.”
- Another Kaseberg crack: “Thanksgiving can be a challenging day for people. There can be yelling, screaming, fighting, crying, too much drinking, arguments, break-ups and even people coming out. And that’s just in the Detroit Lions’ locker room at halftime.”
- Dwight Perry again: The Rams and NFL settled their relocation lawsuit with St. Louis — to the tune of a $790 million payout. Who knew illegal procedure could be so costly?”
- Headline at Fark.com: “Cowboys coach Mike McCarthy tests positive for COVID-19, blames the officials.”
Care to comment? Email brucepenton2003@yahoo.ca
