It was some kind of romance, and the only thing missing from my surroundings was a bag of nachos and a box of tissues. Only a few weeks prior to that, I was up by 8:00 every morning and dressed by 10:00, scheduling a day that included catching up on the news, tackling the papers on my desk, driving to appointments, and trying to figure out how I was going to get to everything on my list of things to do. Now here I was, dabbing my eyes and asking myself how had it all come to this? Well, I said, you are only doing what has been asked of you. You are staying at home, behaving yourself and being careful. But me lounging around midday with unbrushed teeth and hair while eating chocolate (a valid survival food group)? That wasn’t right! What on earth was the matter?
When any train is going full steam, and you want to stop it, you begin by gently applying the brakes. Then you push down harder when you feel that doing so won’t put you in danger of going off the tracks, and finally, if necessary, you pull the hand brake. Everybody gives a sigh of relief, and you hand out sandwiches while you wait for the OK to get moving again. And when you do receive the all-clear, you purr, then roar, back up to top speed. That was life before Covid-19. Only a few short weeks ago, the world-train was humming down the tracks when the emergency cord was pulled before anyone even realized that the locomotive had to slow down. It stopped abruptly, went off the rails, and because it did, everything went flying. The only thing most of us could do was watch in horror. Now nothing is the same, and no-one is sure of when we’ll get back on track or what it will look like when it does.
And that’s what was wrong. The uncertainty of tomorrow that the virus created is a mental struggle I was not expecting. Not everyone handles change well, and I am one of those people. I am simply no good without structure, and all the changes and cancellations brought about by the pandemic caught me off guard. Staying at home is good for my physical well being, that I know. I am safe, and due to the magic of modern appliances, I’ll be fine. I have the advantage of windows that I can look out of (and open) and decks that I can sit on and streets that Dave and I can safely walk and ride. I have at least seven books in my bookcase that I have not read, and I am now the proud owner of a Lego set that can be put together with the help of tweezers. Making sure that my brain has things to do is never the problem; accepting that I need purpose and direction is.
The cautions we now face may last for weeks, perhaps even months - we just don’t know. But for me, the only way to get through this is to not think about it all too much; focus on the jobs at hand - one day, one task, at a time. Any plan is better than no plan, and in my case, if it includes watching the occasional scheduled show or movie - on the weekend, in my nightgown, at 2 in the afternoon - I will embrace it. But I don’t think I’ll make it a habit.
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Disclaimer: opinions expressed are those of the writer.
