-By GWEN RANDALL‑YOUNG
One may be very outgoing, while another tends to be shy. One may be action oriented, enjoying athletics and other active pursuits, while another may be content to be more reflective, perhaps spending time reading or involved in artistic expression. This is as it should be because we are all unique beings.
A problem can arise, however, if parents consciously or unconsciously have an idea in their minds of how their children should be. Sometimes they want their children to be just like them, or perhaps even better, achieving those things that the parent always wanted for him/herself. Whether this is actively expressed or not, a child can pick up a subtle pressure to be what parents want him or her to be. Sometimes the pressure is not so subtle.
Children are often compared to siblings or friends, with the suggestion that they model themselves after someone else. If we wanted to create a recipe for low self-esteem, this would be it. If we do not value children, they learn exactly how not to value themselves. That can haunt them for a lifetime.
The problem goes even deeper than this. Not only do they not feel good about who they are, they may begin to suppress natural elements in their developing personalities, knowing they will not be valued. They may suppress them completely, or perhaps only express them when they are with friends. Sometimes there is a need to go to extremes to try to compensate for all that has been suppressed. This may even result in acting out behaviors, especially during the teen years.
Sadly, it can also set the stage for suicide if a young person feels worthless, disliking, even hating, who they are. (If you have a child currently feeling like this, please do get help.)
At the very least, a kind of split develops in the child, so that they show one persona at home, and another persona out in the world. Since who they are in the world is closer to their “real self”, they may begin to feel alienated when they are at home, with a feeling that they just don’t belong.
How can we prevent this? Through recognizing that although we can shape the growth of children, it is not for us to determine who they are, or what they will be. They are not like lumps of clay that we can mold into our likeness. All we can do is to love them, nurture them, and listen with our hearts when they try to tell us or show us who they really are. Of course, we still have rules and boundaries, but the bottom line is that we must honor the essence of who they are, in order for them to thrive.
Gwen Randall-Young is an author and award-winning psychologist. For permission to reprint this article, or to obtain books, CDs or MP3s, visit www.gwen.ca. Follow Gwen on Facebook for inspiration.
-Gwen Randall‑Young is an author and award‑winning Psychotherapist. To obtain books, cds or MP3’s, visit www.gwen.ca
Comment on this at lmtimes.ca/gwen
-Ideas and opinions expressed here are those solely of the author.
