Communication vs. Power Struggles

Gwen Randall-Young
January 13, 2025

Key points from this story:

• Power struggles common in various relationships
• Arguing to prove correctness damages relationships
• Focus on listening and understanding other's position
• Disagreements can strengthen relationships through compromise
• Creative problem-solving creates "third way" solutions
• Prioritize the person over the issue

Power struggles can be common in relationships. This can happen with a spouse, a child/parent, or with a boss/coworker. This occurs when two people disagree and try to convince the other of the correctness of their position.

Generally, this boils down to an argument, or perhaps a more subtle struggle, over who is right. The focus remains on an attempt to prove one's point. Comments are made in support of one's own position, and against that of the other.

Unfortunately, this rarely resolves things in a positive manner. You might well win the argument, or have the decision go your way, but likely there has been some damage to the relationship.

Does this mean we can never disagree? Of course not. However, there is a way to preserve and even strengthen the relationship, despite disagreement. The secret is to put your focus on truly listening and understanding the other's position. Generally, people are more upset at not feeling heard and understood than about things not going their way.

Rather than creating polarity, this approach brings the parties closer together. There is no better way to show another person that they matter, than to really listen and understand. Chances are, once you have both done this, agreement, or at least compromise, will come more quickly.

It is important to remember that others have a point of view that may differ from ours. If we insist on being right, by default we make the other wrong. A disagreement can be an opportunity to practice creative problem solving.

Marshall Rosenberg wrote about dealing with conflict. He theorized there is your way and there is my way. Now we must work together to find a third way. In doing this, both parties are on the same page, working as a team to find a strategy that both can live with.

We only need to look at the global scene to see that conflict creates damage when two sides fight, rather than looking for solutions. It is sad that we have not evolved beyond an eye for an eye. We do not have control over what happens out there, but we do have control over how maturely we handle our differences.

That means caring about the person with whom we disagree and maintaining a respectful stance. If we make the person more important than the issues, somehow there are fewer issues, and they tend to become smaller.