- Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times: “Seattle experienced its wettest fall in history, with 19 inches of rain between September and November. It got so bad, the Seahawks practiced swimming for a first down.”
- Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, via Twitter, on the 6.2 earthquake hit off the Northern California coast: “To give you an idea how strong that is, a 6.2 earthquake could shake a New York Jet into the end zone.”
- Vic Tafur of the Athletic, on the Falcons’ quarterback: “Matt Ryan has somehow led the Falcons to seven wins this season, but he is slower than Heinz ketchup.”
- Gene Collier of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, on an overused hockey phrase: “Cycling Down Low . . . sounds like a problem in the lower digestive tract. You wanna go out? No, I just had some chalupas and I’m, uh, Cycling Down Low.”
- Blogger Patti Dawn Swansson: “The American Kennel Club has added two dogs to its roster. You know, kind of like what the Edmonton Oilers have been doing with their defence every year for the past 15 seasons.”
- Alex Kaseberg again: “The Tampa Bay Buccaneers have officially cut Antonio Brown. He was released and not put on waivers because even waivers did not want anything to do with him.”
- Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle, on MLB’s need for robotic umpires to call balls and strikes: “Human umps were fine in the old days. So were phone booths and stage coaches.”
- Greg Cote of the Miami Herald, on the firing of Dolphins’ coach Brian Flores after two winning seasons: “Team owner Stephen Ross might as well have bought a billboard alongside Interstate 95 that depicts him wearing a big red Bozo nose and the word ‘INCOMPETENT’ stamped across his forehead.”
- RJ Currie of sportsdeke.com: “At the Australian Open it’s been serve, volley, serve, volley, serve and volley. And that was just the Novak Djokovic COVID deportation case.”
- Bob Molinaro of pilotonline.com (Hampton, Va.): “Sitting in front of my TV the other night, I witnessed the basketball equivalent of a solar eclipse — an NBA player called for travelling.”
- Headline at the onion.com: “Lakers fans frustrated with volatile hot dog prices in Crypto.Com Arena”
- Hall of Fame linebacker Dick Butkus, who recently joined Twitter: “Fantasy football is what guys played after I hit them.”
- Janice Hough of leftcoastsportsbabe.com, on diva WR Antonio Brown still drawing NFL interest, apparently this time from Ravens QB Lamar Jackson: “It’s all part of the league’s strict superstar policy: ‘17 strikes and you’re out.’ ”
- Another one from Patti Dawn Swansson, on effort, or lack thereof, of Jets’ Mark Scheifele: “Too often Scheifele plays with the get-up-and-go of a guy sitting in an ice fishing hut at Lockport.”
- Jack Finarelli of sportscurmudgeon.com, on the new Commanders nickname: “It was nice touch for the team to name itself after President Biden’s dog.”
- Bob Molinaro again: “Cross country skiing isn’t a sport; it’s how Scandinavians go shopping.”
- Another one from RJ Currie, on the NCAA approving unlimited snacks for athletes: “Or as they call it in the CFL, playoff bonuses.”
- Surfer Kelly Slater, 50, to AP, not worried about any retirement plans: “Everyone who retires from surfing just goes surfing more.”
- Another one from RJ Currie: “At the Waste Management Open, Harry Higgs lifted up his shirt after a two-putt par to get a reaction from the crowd. Which showed us, among other things, that Higgs needs better waist management.”
- Comedy writer Marc Ragovin, on the Russian figure skater claiming she must have inadvertently taken her grandfather’s heart medication: “No wonder her long program consisted of skating in circles with her turn signal on.”
- Dwight Perry again: “A cargo ship packed with luxury cars caught fire and was aimlessly adrift in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Sort of the nautical equivalent of the L.A. Lakers.”
- Alex Kaseberg: “The NFL became the first sports league to drop COVID protocols. There were never any protocols on the New York Jets’ wide receivers because they can’t catch anything.”
- Dwight Perry: “Falcons receiver Calvin Ridley has been suspended for the 2022 season for betting on NFL games. Evidently he didn’t get the express written consent of the NFL’s official betting partners, Caesars, DraftKings and FanDuel.”
- Headline at fark.com: “Russell Wilson succumbs to thin Colorado air in record time, says he hopes to ‘win three, four more Super Bowls’ for the Broncos.”
- Winnipeg Jets fan North End Rick, on Twitter, following the Jets’ 5-2 home-ice loss to Ottawa: “My dog got neutered today. I watched the entirety of that Jets/Senators game. It’s debatable, but my dog may have had a better day.”
- Nick Canepa of The San Diego Union-Tribune, on the Browns giving QB Deshaun Watson the thumbs-up despite 22 sexual-assault charges against him: “Seems Deshaun’s baggage got lost on its way to Cleveland.”
- Alex Kaseberg again, on word that Tiger Woods was planning to playing the Masters: “One word of advice, Tiger: Uber.”
- Patti Dawn Swansson, on Twitter, after an animal-rights activist tried to glue herself to the floor during an NBA play-in game in Minneapolis: “So, for those of you who’ve been wondering all these years, now you know why they call it Crazy Glue.”
- Tigers slugger Miguel Cabrera, on nearly reaching 3,000 hits in a game against the Yankees: “A scout from the Yankees told me, ‘If you make it, it’s going to be as a pitcher.’ He got fired.”
- Headline at fark.com: “NFL finds it is impossible to tell if the Cleveland Browns are tanking on purpose or if they are simply just being the Cleveland Browns.”
- Golf writer Eamon Lynch, on the upstart LIV Golf Tour: “Finally, a reason to root for the Saudis — they’ll take Sergio Garcia.”
- Comedy guy Steve Burgess of Vancouver, on goal announcements in the NHL playoffs: “Home team goals are announced like the discovery of insulin, and visiting team goals like the disclaimers at the end of anti-depressant commercials.”
- Alex Kaseberg again: “The New York Post reported Fox Sports will pay Tom Brady $375 mil over 10 years to be a broadcaster. Maybe this will be the break that finally turns things around for poor Tom Brady.”
- Another one from Dwight Perry: “Viking QB Kirk Cousins’ career record as an NFL starter is 59-59-2. Shouldn’t that make him the Minneapolis .500?”
- Dwight Perry again: “Kiara Thomas was arrested and charged with assault in Laurel, Mississippi, for punching an umpire at a 12-year-old girls softball game, WLBT-TV reported. The capper? In her mugshot, Thomas rocks a ‘Mother of the Year’ T-shirt.”
- Headline at TheBeaverton.com: “Sportsnet apologizes for interrupting gambling commercial with hockey.”
- Columnist Norman Chad, on Twitter: “Was in a Philadelphia supermarket on Saturday.Bumped into Joel Embiid in the produce aisle. Store manager called it a Flagrant 1 and awarded Embiid two free avocados.”
- Another Dwight Perry offering: “Border-hugging Aroostook Valley Country Club is a golf anomaly, with its parking lot and pro shop in the U.S. (Maine) and its course and clubhouse in Canada (New Brunswick). Wouldn’t that make it a two-country club?”
- Alex Kaseberg again: “Aaron Rodgers’s new girlfriend identifies as a witch named Blu of Earth. Has anyone checked to see if Rodgers’s man bun is tied way too tight?”
- Dwight Perry: “A bad hop in a Happy Valley softball game in Encino, California, sent singer Nick Jonas to the emergency room. Where did it hit him? Let’s just say he suddenly went from the Jonas Brothers to The Sopranos.”
- Steve Simmons of SunMedia: “The Maple Leafs didn’t fire the president, the general manager, or the head coach after another first-round defeat but they did fire their goaltending instructor, Steve Briere. Which is a lot like blaming the first base coach for a bad baseball season.”
- RJ Currie of sportsdeke.com: “The governing body for bobsleigh has approved teams of four being mixed-gender. It’s believed most sleds will have one female pilot with three men telling her how to drive.”
- World No. 1 golfer Scottie Scheffler, via Golf.com reporter Claire Rogers: “I don’t know how much money I’ve made this year, but it’s definitely more than I deserve for whacking a little golf ball around.”
- Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: “Rob ‘Gronk’ Gronkowski has retired from the NFL for the second time. When asked if he retired due to his many concussions, Gronk said, No, I just feel it is time to stop. And also, I just feel it is time to stop.’”
- Comedian Kenan Thompson, hosting the NHL Awards show, after Auston Matthews was announced as league MVP: “Congrats ... it’s nice to see the Leafs winning something in June.”
- Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times: “Major League Baseball will allow its teams to sell sponsorships to cannabis companies that market CBD products, the Sports Business Journal reported. ‘Spahn and Sain and Pray for Rain’ is about to be supplanted by ‘Cheech and Chong and Pass the Bong.’”
- RJ Currie of sportsdeke.com: “A British chef invented the Glamburger, the world’s most expensive burger at over $2,000 Canadian. If you’re wondering about the most expensive hot dog in history — Deion Sanders.”
- Phil Mushnick of the New York Post, after a fan was robbed — twice — while leaving Yankee Stadium: “You mean he had money left?”
- RJ Currie again: “ABC News recently reported clowns carrying baseball bats had been terrorizing people in Bakersfield, California. The first people I’d be questioning are the Oakland A’s.”
- Headline from fark.com: “The Royals finally lead MLB in a statistic — number of players barred from entry into Canada.”
- Super 70s Sports, on Twitter, recalling a line from former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips, after Earl Campbell failed to complete a one-mile run in practice: “When it’s first and a mile, I won’t give it to him.”
- Steph Curry, hosting the ESPYs, on Tom Brady unretiring from the NFL at age 44: “He’s the only guy I know who’d rather get hit by Aaron Donald than hang out with a supermodel.”
- Hockey Unplugged, on Facebook: “The reason they built the Hockey Hall of Fame in Toronto is so that Leafs’ fans can go see what the Stanley Cup looks like.”
- Former Mets and Phillies pitcher Tug McGraw, on whether he preferred grass or AstroTurf: “ I don’t know. I never smoked AstroTurf.”
- Jerry Tarde of Golf Digest, in a fictitious interview with the late Dan Jenkins, on the LIV golf tour: “I hear Patrick Reed got $80 million to defect. The Saudis paid him $20 million, and the PGA Tour put up the other 60.”
- fark.com headline: “Mike Trout diagnosed with rare spinal condition that’s been aggravated by carrying the Angels for the last 10 years or so.”
- Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle, on unvaccinated players: “As they say in baseball, we’ll shoot any random stuff into our bodies, as long as it’s not something that will help stop a worldwide killer pandemic.”
- Another one from Dwight Perry: “The Mariners have released pitcher Daniel Ponce de Leon. So much for the team’s hopes of getting younger.”
- Eamon Lynch on Gulfweek.com, on the LIV lawsuit against the PGA Tour fracturing friendships: “It’s tough to remain pals with the roommate who moved to a sumptuous new mansion but returned to burglarize and then torch the house you’re still living in.”
- Marshall Stuart, via Twitter, after the Tigers’ Derek Law became the first pitcher to allow a homer, commit an error, hit a batter and throw a wild pitch in a single relief appearance: “Is that the Nuke LaLoosh hat trick?”
- Thomas Carrieri of LostInBostonSports.com, via Twitter, on kids eating free whenever the Red Sox win: “The good news about this season is the Red Sox are single-handedly ending childhood obesity.”
- Mike Bianchi of the Orlando Sentinel: “New (Florida) Gators coach Billy Napier, a stickler for structure and discipline, has instructed players they all must wear white socks at practice. Hey, you know what the great Grantland Rice once wrote: ‘It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you match your socks!’”
- Sam Farmer of the L.A. Times, via Twitter, on the significance of Aug. 16: “Elvis, Aretha and Babe Ruth died on this day. A king, a queen and a sultan.”
- Mark Fox on Twitter, weighing in on the extremely slow and painfully deliberate pre-shot routine of the newly crowned U.S. Amateur champion: “Things I can do during Sam Bennett’s pre-shot routine: Make a cup of tea. Have a shower. Change the tires on my car. Watch a full tournament without Sam Bennett. Write a thesis. Travel to the moon.”
- Reds first baseman Joey Votto, via Twitter, undergoing season-ending shoulder surgery after hitting just .205: “I didn’t know I was hurt. Thought I just stunk.”
- Adam Herman, on Twitter: “Every women’s hockey biography is like, ‘she has a master’s in biochemistry and is a cancer researcher at Sloan Kettering’ and every men’s bio is like, ‘his favourite cereal is Fruit Loops.’”
- Another one from Perry: “Pitcher Bartolo Colon says he’ll finally retire from professional baseball after pitching one more season of winter ball in his native Dominican Republic. Just think of his farewell tour as One Last Whiff of Colon.”
- Funny guy Steve Burgess of Vancouver, on Breaking Bad actor Aaron Paul serving as TV advertising pitchman for an online betting company: “I wish Jesse Pinkman would go back to a more reputable line of work, like dealing meth.”
- Ex-LSU football coach Ed Orgeron, to the Little Rock (Ark.) Touchdown Club, when told at his firing he’d receive a $17.1 million buyout: “What time do you want me to leave and what door do you want me out of, brother?”
- New York Post reader Lloyd Stone, during a recent NFL televised game: “Is there any way to watch this in black and white? Seattle’s garish green uniforms should be restricted to prisoners on trash patrol along the Jersey Turnpike.”
- RJ Currie again: “The Banjo Bowl outcome: Blue Bombers 54, the flu-ridden Roughriders 20. Saskatchewan QB Cody Fajardo said many Riders were so ill they couldn’t keep anything down — including, it seems, the score.”
- Producer Soph, on Twitter: “Can I make a suggestion? Team Homan/Fleury = Team Heury. Heury hard.”
- Geoff O’Neil, via Twitter, what a difference 21 years makes: “There were 5,273 Blockbuster video locations in operation the last time the Mariners made the playoffs.”
- Dwight Perry: “‘Clean and jerk’ is: a) a composite of two weightlifting movements; b) how baseball hard-liners view the AL and NL season home run record-holders.”
- From a FakeKenHolland account on Twitter, in reacting to complaints of high concession prices at Oilers’ home games: “All hats collected from Connor’s hat-trick celebration will be available for sale, with a complimentary bag of popcorn, at the Rogers Place concession stand starting at the low low price of $225.”
- Fark.com headline: “What are you in for? Bank robbery. You? Murder. You? Cheating at fishing.”
- Another one from Steve Burgess of Vancouver, on the pain of love for the Canucks: “They get in your blood, and then it’s blood poisoning.”
- Jack Finarelli of sportscurmudgeon.com, on the recent Broncos-Jaguars game in London: “The people in the UK have lost their queen and their prime minister in the last two months; the pound sterling has tanked to its lowest level since WWII; and now the NFL sends them that game? Haven’t those people suffered enough?”
- Headline at the Beaverton: “Poll: Majority of Canadians favour making sports betting illegal again just to get rid of the %&$##$ ads”
- Dwight Perry again: “Taylor Swift made history as the first musical artist to claim all top 10 spots on the Billboard Hot 100 list, for the week of Nov. 5. Kind of like Nick Saban on national signing day.”
- One more from RJ Currie: “Australian jockey Blake Shinn stood up in a last-second bid to overtake the leader, and his pants fell down. Might be the first time a horse placed while its rider showed.”
- Phil Mushnick again, on a rumoured transaction by the New York Giants: “The Giants reacquire Odell Beckham Jr.? That would be like paying to have your kidney stones put back.”
- Vic Tafur of The Athletic, on Raiders’ coach Josh McDaniels losing to newly hired and inexperienced coach Jeff Saturday and the Indianapolis Colts in Saturday’s first game: “That’s like Garry Kasparov walking into Central Park and getting checkmated by a guy with mustard stains on his sweatshirt.”
- Headline at the British newspaper iSport, after England and the U.S. played to a 0-0 World Cup tie: “Football 0 Soccer 0”
- Another fark.com offering: “England vs. U.S.A. World Cup match is serious business. The loser has to keep James Corden.”
- Alex Kaseberg again: “The Denver Broncos are 3-8 since trading the farm for Russell Wilson. It is the worst trade since Pete Best left the Beatles to play drums for the Cockroachers.”
