- Police, ambulance and heavy security is required at: a) An outdoor speech given by the prime minister; b) A Justin Bieber concert; c) A Flames-Oilers game
- Milwaukee Bucks’ star Giannis Antetokounmpo has: a) An inside track to the NBA’s Hall of Fame; b) A per-game point average above 30; c) A surname that would stump even the world’s spelling bee champion.
- Definitely not needed in Toronto:: a) More ‘Centre of the Universe’ references; b) Injuries to key Raptors, Leafs or Blue Jays players; c) A Stanley Cup parade planner
- Sports television viewers could use less of: a) Replays and slow-mo shots of gruesome injuries; b) Shots of rambunctious fans brandishing silly signs; c) Gambling commercials
- Another name for the LIV golf tour: a) The Multi-Millionaires tour; b) The Never-Miss-A-Cut Tour; c) The Professionals’ Retirement Tour
- What goes downhill at breakneck speed? a) A World Cup skier in the Alps; b) A car in the mountains with brake failure; c) Green Bay Packers Super Bowl chances
- Ultimate success for an NHL team this year means: a) Capturing the Stanley Cup; b) Playing in front of capacity crowds at home games; c) Winning the Connor Bedard sweepstakes
- Which team will free agent Aaron Judge sign with? a) The Yankees, because of the familiarity with his longtime team; b) The Braves, because of its ‘Aaron’ home-run hitting connection; c) The Giants, because the 6-foot-7, 282-pound outfielder is one.
- Qatar is best known for: a) Hosting the 2022 World Cup of Soccer; b) Major oil producer but questionable record in the area of human rights; c) Not having a ‘U’ following the ‘Q
- Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: “The Colts hired Jeff Saturday, who has zero coaching experience, as their coach. They should hire former baseball great Rick Monday, hockey player Tim Friday and Spanish soccer player Stephen Sunday as consultants. And Wednesday Adams while they’re at it.”
- Mike Bianchi of the Orlando Sentinel: “If Tuesday Weld divorced Rick Monday for cheating on her with ‘Our Girl Friday’ and then Weld married Jeff Saturday, the headline would be: “Tuesday moves past Monday and Friday to get to Saturday.”
- Bianchi again, on ‘Fat Bear Week’ in Alaska, when bears gorge on salmon before going into hibernation: “Hey, that sounds like Nick Saban on National Signing Day!”
- Sam Farmer of the L.A. Times, on Twitter: “When they are designing the statue of Justin Jefferson in downtown Minneapolis, I suggest having him catch Mary Tyler Moore’s hat.”
- Vic Tafur of The Athletic, on Raiders’ coach Josh McDaniels losing to newly hired and inexperienced coach Jeff Saturday and the Indianapolis Colts in Saturday’s first game: “That’s like Garry Kasparov walking into Central Park and getting checkmated by a guy with mustard stains on his sweatshirt.”
- Retired NHLer Daniel Sedin, at the Hall of Fame induction ceremony where he and twin brother Henrik were inducted, from The Athletic: “I want to thank whoever it was that selected me to speak first. It reminds me of draft day.”
- Buffalo columnist Budd Bailey, during the recent major snowfall in western New York: “So one station in Orchard Park reports 66 inches of snow. To put that in perspective, Jose Altuve is 66 inches tall.”
- From the parody website The Beaverton: “Sidney Crosby: “I would never let my children play hockey. The risk of getting drafted by Edmonton is too high.”
- Jack Finarelli, at sports curmudgeon.com: “(Las Vegas Raiders) are not mathematically eliminated from the playoffs just yet but if those playoff chances were in human form, they would be in an ICU somewhere.”
- Dwight Perry of the Seattle Tines: “UFC’s Dana White is creating slap-fighting league — in which two contestants trade slaps — called Power Slap, set to launch in 2023 with an eight-episode series that airs on TBS. So will actor Will Smith be a first-round draft pick?”
- Dolphins coach Mike McDaniel, to reporters, when asked about his relationship with NFL referees: “It’s not monogamous.”
- Another one from Mike Bianchi, on complaints about TV and big money holding too much sway in college football: “That battle was lost long ago when people were still using phone booths and sending handwritten letters.”
- Another one from Perry: “Mavericks star Luca Doncic and his mother, Mirjam Poterbin, are squabbling over who owns the trademark to ‘Luka Doncic 7,’ and have taken their case to the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office’s Trademark Trial and Appeal Board. In her defence, back when he was born she did have his original naming rights.”
Care to comment? Email brucepenton2003@yahoo.ca
