Valuing Ourselves and Others

Gwen Randall-Young

October 30, 2024

It takes a great deal of maturity and inner security to see the beauty in all other human beings. If no one has ever reflected that back to us as we grew, then we may forever seek someone in whom we can see our wholeness and beauty reflected back. If we cannot see it there, we may, metaphorically, move to smash the mirror. There is an incredible irony in the fact that we may spend years blindly trying to get a loved one to see the worth that we keep hidden from ourselves. It is almost as though we think that if they see it, then it must be there.

Because we live in a society that programs us more for criticism and judgement than for unconditional love, it seems easier to see what we think is wrong with someone, than it does to see their inner beauty. So we may pick away at another's perceived 'faults' rather than celebrating their gifts. This triggers their anger, because they want us to see who they really are. Their anger blinds them to our gifts, and so the downward spiral begins. It is intensified when the criticisms of a partner or friend echo the criticisms that were levelled at us as children.

To be negated by a parent is devastating, for it is in relation to them that our sense of self develops. It is hard for children to believe that anyone could ever love them if their own parents cannot. In childhood, we are powerless in the face of parental rejection. When we are older, we may still feel powerless when we feel betrayed or abandoned by a loved one, but may cover this with anger. The anger is a defense against feelings of worthlessness.

So, individually, we can strengthen ourselves by acknowledging to ourselves our own worth. We must learn to value ourselves. In our relationships, it is profoundly helpful to remember the healing power of love. A miserable person is one who does not feel loved and/or does not love him or her self. Criticism and put-downs only make this worse.

How often it is, that even in very troubled relationships, death stops the struggle and allows the one remaining to acknowledge the love that was ever there. So regardless of how angry you might be, if there is someone in your life who would be healed by knowing of your love, tell them now.