When children argue with parents

- By Gwen Randall-Young

March 04, 2025

key points from this story:

• Children develop reasoning skills as they grow
• Teens test expressing their thoughts and opinions
• Parents should listen and respect children's perspectives
• Negotiation and compromise are important parenting skills
• Respectful communication teaches children to reciprocate
• Non-negotiable rules are more accepted with flexibility

As children approach their teen years, changes in their behavior can be disconcerting to parents. Children are growing intellectually and think more than when they were younger. A six-year-old may generally do what they're told, and while they may not agree with their parents' instructions, they don't question their right to exercise parental authority.

By age twelve, children have learned to reason, and if something doesn't make sense to them, they will question it. They believe their interpretation of a situation is correct. They genuinely don't understand why it matters if they clean the kitchen right after dinner or three hours later. They may resist vacuuming a carpet that "looks" clean.

Children will debate these issues with parents, who then assume the child is simply being difficult. In reality, they are testing out the expression of their own thoughts and opinions. They cannot question classroom or school procedures or challenge their athletic coaches' decisions. They are developing the ability to think for themselves, but there are few venues where they are encouraged to express dissenting opinions.

If parents react angrily and make children feel "bad" for "arguing," they will feel negated, discounted, very angry, and resentful. They need to feel that their opinions and perceptions count somewhere, or else they will withdraw into their own little worlds, communicating little, if at all.

We need to be very patient with them at this stage. If we truly listen to what they have to say and respect their opinions even if we disagree, they won't have to scream at us and become belligerent to get their point across.

We must show them how to negotiate and model the process of meeting halfway. Certainly, some things are non-negotiable, and they will more readily accept this if we are willing to negotiate in other areas. Even if we are angry or frustrated, if we communicate with respect, they will learn to do the same.